You Spin Me Round

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One our most recent and successful Zombie Population Reducers (Hereafter referred to as “ZPR”s) has been a little contraption we’ve rigged up that we call the “spinners”. What's nice about the spinners is that they’re automatic. We took a car rim and attached four pieces of angle iron going straight out of it to form a “plus sign” pattern, or cross pattern. We set a gas engine up, usually something bigger, like from a truck. We put the engine on its end so that the drive shaft goes out on top. That’s what we connect the angle iron cross to. We also have a hose that comes out the top through the middle of the wheel rim that connects to a gas tank a story up. We put two spinners together on the side of a building so that there was about a foot between the ends of the angle iron. The edge that was close to the building was about a foot away also, so nothing could really get through, though there was nothing to get to on the lower level anyway. However, the deads don't know that, so they try to get as close to the building as possible, because for awhile, we’d always have someone standing on that top floor. That’s where the gas tank would be too, since it was a gravity feed system. The sound of the engines attracted the deads, and then we’d put a flashing neon sign up there that we grabbed off a building. The person up by the gas tanks would just watch to make sure everything went okay. We didn’t really know if it would work at first, and we needed someone up there to shut off the sign if our engines went down. Well it works great! The deads come running because they hear the noise and see the sign and then the person, but they can’t really compute what’s going on with the spinners. Admittedly, the blades are going so fast that they’re a blur. So the deads just rush towards the person they see and run right into the spinners. We put the angle iron crosses a little higher than waste level. It’s going to seem gruesome, but it’s just the practicality of our situation. If you put it just above the waste it hits most deads in the abdominal area, which is all soft tissue except for the backbone. There aren’t many kid-size deads that fit under it, so you get them to. Again, I don't mean to seem crass. Really, they're not kids, they're just smaller deads, if that helps you to get past it. It becomes quite a mess, but deads don't bleed much, otherwise it would be much worse. Like I said, for awhile we had a person up there to see how things would go. We set up a zip line in case for some reason you needed to get out of there in a hurry. These days we had it rigged so that when the engines run out of gas, the sign shuts off too. It's a "set it and forget it" type situation. They take quite a bit of time to set up, and they're not exactly very mobile. In fact, it's easier to find a new engine close to the place we need it than to try to salvage and move things. We've tried so many different ways to reduce the population, but so far, the spinner is the best.